I’ll start this post off by offering the following caveat: I have never watched the majority of the shows mentioned here and never will. I normally like to be educated on what I am criticizing, but in this case I just can’t.
There was a time, though it’s hard to remember now, when people who were interested in learning something new or educating themselves had the option of watching television to fulfill that desire. I know television programming is often thought of, both now and then, as a barren wasteland devoid of anything useful or intelligent, but I can only imagine what the people who thought that years or decades ago must think of television today. Years ago, if you wanted to learn about science or technology, there was the Discovery Channel. If you wanted to learn about history (specifically, World War II) there was the History Channel. Or if you weren’t picky and just wanted to learn something, you could turn on The Learning Channel. Most of television was still shit, but every once in a while, if you sought it out, you might actually learn something.
So what happened? Eventually the executives at these channels realized that people who actually want to learn things don’t watch television; they read books or newspapers, or just find formal educations. So they changed their programming to appeal to the people who might actually watch their shows. As of my writing this, the next three hours on the discovery channel are all Mythbusters. After that? A solid 6 hours of American Chopper followed by an hour of Howe & Howe Tech. But don’t worry if you haven’t gotten your share of chopper programming for the day because then there’s another two hours of American Chopper then an hour of the Howe’s and another Chopper episode before the paid programming starts at 3am. Tomorrow, a grand total of three different shows will air: Auction Kings, Dirty Jobs, and, you guessed it, American Chopper. If you watched the Discovery Channel for a week straight you might learn a) a few random facts from Cash Cab b) the answers to some myths that I’m sure have long had you puzzled such as whether you can curve a bullet or whether you can walk on water (dare to take a guess?) and c) why people from every other country in the world have such a low opinion of Americans. Personally, I don’t think these are terrible things to learn, but I can’t watch channels that have a Deadliest Catch commercial to interesting fact ratio in the double digits.
So if you’re interested in science and technology, I’m sorry, but there’s nothing left for you to watch. At least us history buffs still have something to fall back on. Let’s see what’s on the History Channel tonight (My apologies, it’s just called “History” now. I guess they’re too cool for channel, but at least they kept the most important part: the history.) Well, let’s see, from 7 pm to 4 am, when they start showing paid programming, they’re only showing two shows: Pawn Stars and American Pickers. The former is about a family that owns a pawn shop and the latter is about two friends who go across the country buying antiques and collectibles. Well, at least no one can accuse them of being the “Hitler Channel” anymore. Otherwise, History offers a wide array of programs on possible alien life and apocalyptic scenarios from the world’s foremost experts on the subject, such as Nostradamus. For those of who find this type of programming a little too sensationalist, History also offers programming about two of the world’s most boring and repetitive jobs: trucking and lumberjacking. There’s only one thing I can think of that could possibly be more boring than driving a truck all day, and that’s watching somebody else drive a truck all day. I don’t care what you’re driving on: Ice Road Truckers, Lava Road Truckers, Intergalactic Road Truckers, Where We’re Going We Don’t Need Roads: Time Traveling Truckers, it’s still trucking. The greater your chances of dying doesn’t make me any more excited about your work, it just makes me happier that I’m not you. If you haven’t noticed yet, none of these programs is even slightly related to history, unless you count people from the past making predictions about the future. I’m no naming expert, but I think they removed the wrong word from their name.
And then there’s TLC. To be honest, I feel bad about making fun of TLC because I just feel bad for TLC. At least they’ve tried to distance themselves from any possible indication that they’re here to educate. As far back as 1998 they started going only by “TLC”, separating themselves from their former identity as “The Learning Channel.” For a while they basically became an interior design channel until they noticed the money in reality shows. Now they’ve cornered the market on shows about families large enough to have been from the 19th century (Jon & Kate Plus 8 not big enough for you? Don’t worry, they’ve still got Table for 12 and 19 Kids and Counting (formerly 17 Kids and Counting)) and cake designing shows (but don’t tell that to Food Network’s Ace of Cakes). Every once in a while they’ll throw in a special about morbidly obese people, Siamese twins, or people who are pregnant that really shouldn’t be. It seems that the only thing anyone can learn from most of TLC’s shows is how lucky they are not to be the people on the shows.
So what’s left for those of us who still want to learn something? First and foremost, I would recommend reading: probably books, but there are still some decent magazines and newspapers out there. For those who are still dedicated to getting their knowledge from television, there aren’t a lot of choices left; you’re pretty much left to decide between PBS and BBC, neither of which has been motivated to air more profitable shows because they’re non-profit networks. Or you can just do what I do and casually read Wikipedia.
BV
Note: This post was written days ago. Today's actual television listings may vary.
